Alcohol doesn't make love any less screwed up
by Juuha-chan
Summary: 5xS, 2x3, 1x4 it's...pretty screwed up. Lot's of love and alcohol and a poor waitress who has to serve them. I'm told it's amusing.


Disclaimer: Guess what? It ain't mine. Gee what a surprise.  
  
A/N: Heh, I have some pretty rare Gundam couples here. 2x3, 1x4, 5xS with hints of.5+2, 3+MU. Warnings of: OOC-ness on Sally's part, possible OOC-ness on Wufei's part (hey what can I say? He's in love), Grape (citrus rating term for drunkenness), lime, general screwed-up-ness.  
  
It was all Sally's idea actually. "Come on Wufei." She grinned at him. "Lighten up. Jeez you sit around here at the Preventer's office all day and work and rant on about the jerks starting war.hey you like Duo right? So why not? It's a good idea."  
  
Apparently Sally had rejected her usual treatment of Wufei - the right treatment. And so it was, that for some odd reason Wufei found himself taking Sally's advice and going along with the whole screwed up idea.  
  
They were getting drunk.  
  
Really drunk. In fact, Wufei had never seen anyone so plastered in his life as he did now, surrounded by his fellow Gundam pilots in a bar they didn't even know the name of so that Wufei could get closer to Duo even though he could clearly see Sally hiding in the toilet. Women.  
  
  
  
He hailed the waitress - a brunette with short hair and blue eyes - again and ordered another, stronger drink. This just wasn't working.  
  
It seemed to be going well for some though. It seemed that perhaps because he spent hardly any time talking, the alcohol was having the opposite affect on Trowa. He was up to stage five in the twelve stages of getting drunk - Sad Reminiscing. The whole bar was now free to here every single relationship problem Trowa had ever had and he wasn't doing a thing about it.  
  
Duo had found himself in the position of Trowa's Reminiscing partner. "I know, I know! Why do they do that why? It's just." "It sucks." Trowa said taking another swig. "It really, really sucks. I mean, why would she say that if she hated me? Stupid Midii just contradicts herself all the time!" He slammed the now empty glass down. "She loves me then she doesn't then she does and.oh it's just too damned confusing. Couldn't she just see I loved her? And.hey is that a penny?" He dove down to retrieve it.  
  
"Yeah." Duo agreed once Trowa had resurfaced. "All women are like that. I mean Sister Helen, first she wanted to cut my hair and then she didn't.still wanted me clean but."  
  
"Yeah they're all like that. Cathy always wanted me to change my clothes more than I did.so I wore the same shirt all the time it got washed! After she installed that washing machine in Heavyarms."  
  
"Yeah Hilde's the same." Duo said ignoring the comment about the non- existent washing machine. "She says, she says 'Duo you smell funny.' And I says 'what?' and she says 'it's you're hair you never wash it' and I says 'so I never wash it. It ain't bin washed in 25 yrs!'" He guffawed at his own 'joke' (if it could be called that), not seeming to realise he was barely 17 let alone 25. "Get it, it's funny." He prompted Trowa. He didn't need to tell him twice. Trowa was in hysterics.  
  
The waitress who had been previously serving them quickly switched to another table at this display.  
  
  
  
Wufei groaned at their drunken conversation. Was he the only one still slightly sober?  
  
From the looks of Heero and Quatre definitely.  
  
Quatre, who had been carefully trying to avoid alcohol had given in to Heero's requests and was now paying the consequences.  
  
Quatre had gone straight to number 10 of the twelve stages of getting drunk - the stage where you want to get naked and fast and just about anyone is looking good.  
  
He had climbed onto Heero's lap cooing things like "We're connected Heero.we're meant to be together, that month we spent together was great wasn't it?"  
  
Heero was trying to ignore Quatre's obvious advances but this was made more difficult by the fact that he too was drunk and was at stage 9 - let's get a snack. Thus he was feeling very hungry and to his drunken eyes, Quatre looked like some oversized turkey on his knee.  
  
Whilst this was very good for Quatre and Heero, it was not so good for on- lookers.  
  
The waitress decided she would avoid that table too.  
  
Wufei was feeling like crap. Nothing had gone to plan (the plan being get Duo drunk and make his move. He was almost certain that Trowa and Heero would be able to entertain each other during this and that Quatre wouldn't touch a drink at all) but instead Duo and Trowa had decided that the female race was screwed up and they were better off getting with each other instead (this involved a game of footsies under the table and playing chasy with their tongues), and Quatre was trying to get what he wanted out of Heero while Heero was pouring mustard over him convinced this would cook him faster.  
  
The waitress had now had all four boys banned from any further alcohol consumption.  
  
To make matters worse, Wufei was now at the stage where you desperately want a sharp object to begin slashing your wrists with.  
  
Fortunately for he and Nataku, Sally saw Wufei's antics with the fork and ran over to save him.  
  
"Wufei, Wufei!" She said grabbing it. He looked up bleary-eyed. "Hey Sally." "I wasn't supposed to come in at this point but." Something clicked inside Wufei, then vanished, then appeared again. "This was all a plan wasn't it? To get with me wasn't it?" She smiled. "Yeah." He began rocking back and forth. Somewhere deep inside he could sober-Wufei screaming protest to letting himself be used by this but he payed it no heed. drunk- Wufei was in the driver's seat now.  
  
"Hey.why didn't you just.ask or something." "Hey if I had of asked would you have answered?" "." She looked around at the other Gundam boys. "I think we'd better go." She said. She laughed at the sight of Quatre and Heero. "Before Quatre gets any more covered in mustard." Quatre was now completely yellow.  
  
Wufei had come to the conclusion that Duo sucked and Sally was the one he wanted. He leaned up and tried to kiss her but she pushed him back. "No thanks. I don't say yes to drunk kisses. They taste disgusting." And pulling him up, she called the Preventer's office to ask for the largest van and deposited him in it. She then pulled Quatre of Heero ignoring the screams of protest from both (though it may have been pain from Quatre. Heero had just bitten him) and dumped them as far away as possible from each other.  
  
Lastly she went to collect Duo and Trowa who had thankfully passed out before they could progress any further.  
  
The last image that stuck in her mind after this eventful night was the look of relief on the waitresses face after they had gone.  
  
A/N: *blinks* I blame the avocado and potato sandwich for making me write such a screwed up fic!! But it was such a nice sandwich. *Note to any friends who may be reading this* Did you recognise the waitress? *Grins* 


End file.
